I Want My Fangs!


From: Chooch <chooch@casagrande.com>
Newsgroups: alt.vampyres
Subject: I Want My Fangs!
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 19:27:29 -0700

OK, I just wanted to let all you other weenies know that I'm wise to what _really_ goes on around here, and I want my fangs!

Having been here for a couple of years and after seeing the same apparently pointless things happen time and time again, even though I couldn't find _any_ reference to them in the FAQ (although there should be since they're a fairly regular occurrence, right?) I have finally figured it out.

After years of careful observation and attention to detail, I have determined beyond the shadow of a doubt that there exists another Top-Secret section of the FAQ, but it's kept carefully hidden by that nasty Jetgirl and her clique so that us raggedy-assed massed won't have access to it! Further, I have deduced that it's the "Illuminati" section, and what it contains are the special, confidential instructions on how a "vampyre" here can earn their fangs.

Well, since I now know what the required steps are I have followed them and demand that I be awarded my fangs. I list them below to prove that I have qualified:

1. I engaged in endless pointless, off-topic debate.

2. After that, I then "left" the group...and claimed that I was doing it for "the good of the group", of course.

3. I had an imaginary friend show up in the group demanding "Justice" for all the "Outrages" that had been "perpetrated" on me.

4. I had that imaginary friend engage in further pointless debate and call everybody names.

5. The imaginary friend denied (of course) being an imaginary friend.

6. Claiming to have been tipped off by a friendly email that you were all still talking about me, I posted my "return" to the group. I even claimed to be bowing to the pressure that many well-wishers had put on me by begging me to return to "bring some life" back into the group.

Finally, there's just one single last step that I need to follow to fully qualify for my fangs. All I need to do now is to make one more post welcoming all the newbies and advising them to stay on topic and I will be finally qualified for...

Darn! I just realized that I _can't_ make that last post because I haven't fulfilled all the prerequisites for it! It seems that somehow, in spite of all my "off-topicness" over the years I have neglected to share my "Elementary Second Language Pick-Up Lines" homework with the group.

Oh, Crap! All that work, right down the drain.

Well, looks like it's no fangs to me, then.

Richard Morrison
copyright 1999, all rights reserved.