First of all, it's 4 am and I have to get up for school in less than four hours. I could not fall asleep and so I decided to write this, what, with all of the talk of hentai and fanfics and hentai and Greco ... it was inevitable. So, here it is. The product of sleep deprivation. Enjoy. Or not. It doesn't matter if you do because I think it's funny anyway. Of course, that could be because I'm about at the same level of consciousness as a drunk person ... A Semi-Continuity-Based Greco/Rei Kinda-Yaoi Moderately-Hentai Parody Fanfic Written at 4 am -- because I care. (ES) 12-19-00 The cries of pain rang out through the hillside as the young man held his bloodied stump close to his body. The hand that had once contained the mighty Time Deciever Lamp now lay in a crimson pool at Rei Ginsei's feet, turned a chalky white from falling into the dust. It had been only moments earlier that the seemingly lucky Greco had stumbled from what should have been his death, finding that neither a bad fall nor a bullet wound would stop him from living. Now, it seemed, his luck was running out. "Would you rather I kill you fast or slow?" Rei asked, holding his boomerang-like weapon at his side. "I could do it fast in the interest of time, or I could do it slowly in the interest of making you suffer for what you have done to me." "I ... I didn't know!" insisted Greco as he gasped for air. "Dear God, please don't cut off my *other* arm!" Rei looked down at the lamp as it hung securely at his side. "You don't have anything I need anymore," he said, raising an eyebrow. "This item will buy me more honor than any money you could give me." He glared at the whimpering man who knelt at his feet. "So, do you want to die quick or slowly? I rarely give people the choice, so take advantage of this limited-time offer." "Quickly enough," Greco grunted, still in pain from the removal of his entire forearm. "I hurt like hell as it is! Dying can't be worse!" "That's very good," Rei said, raising his weapon. "I'm in a hurry." Just before the blade had penetrated the flesh on Greco's neck, the bleeding, disheveled man suddenly shouted: "Wait!" "What is it?" Rei Ginsei asked impatiently, lowering the weapon. "I don't have all day!" "If you spare me I'll please you as no one has ever pleased you before!" Rei looked down for a moment and then looked around himself nervously as thought someone was watching them. "What?" he asked, not believing what Greco was saying. "What did you say?" "I said I'd please you as no one has pleased you ..." Greco trailed off, forgetting his bleeding wound for the moment. "Are you implying that I don't get any?" Rei asked sharply, taking personal offense. He could feel those years of sexual tension about to explode within him. How he longed for someone -- for Ramika or even Count Lee to make him feel like a real man. Yet, he had no such luck. It almost seemed as though this young man's offer would be his last chance unless he succeeded in his mission against the vampire hunter. So, with an even more nervous look on his face, he glanced down at Greco. "Are you gay?" he asked with a quizzical look on his face. "No," Greco replied, shaking his head. "Are you? I mean ... I will be if you want me to be ..." "I'm not gay," Rei replied, not for a moment believing that this garrishly clad man could, for one moment, be heterosexual. Then it occurred to him that he himself was dressed as though he were cast in a mid-1980's* music video. "I should kill you for saying I'm gay," Rei said abruptly, holding the weapon poised and ready to end Greco's life. "I can't believe you would think such a thing!" "Are you a virgin?" Greco asked suddenly, assuming that this situation could not possibly get any worse, no matter what he said. "What?!?" Rei screamed, nearly dropping the weapon on Greco's head. "Why the hell would I be? I'm not *you*, after all." "Do you masturbate?" Greco said, smiling to himself at his "dirty-talk." Rei was now seething with anger. He wanted more than anything to just end Greco's life here and now, but something was keeping him from doing it. There was something about Greco that was keeping him alive this much longer. "Everyone does it," Greco said nonchalantly. "Have you ever done it in a hot tub with another man? Masturbated, I mean. Do you think that counts as a gay experience?" At this point, Rei wanted to die. "I don't know," he said, giving an exasperated sigh. "Can I kill you now?" "I have a hot tub at my place," Greco said quickly, seeing the weapon raised toward his head again. "We could find out. There's nothing wrong with experimentation." "I have an experiment we could do," Rei said quickly, putting thoughts of his own forthcoming gratification out of mind. "We could see how long it takes for this to cut your head off and then see how long your head remains alive when it's severed from your body!" "You're not going to have sex with my body once you kill me, are you?" Greco asked, looking up now. "It would be so much better if I was alive. I could lick you all over." Rei saw what was happening. He could tell that Greco sensed his sexual frustration and was trying to take advantage of it to keep his own life. It was actually the most pathetic thing that Rei had ever seen. And, after all, he *had* had a girl threaten to kill herself by biting off her tongue, and that was pretty pathetic as well. Still, this had to be the worst display of bargaining he had ever witnessed, and he had witnessed plenty. "You stole the lamp from me," Rei said with teeth clenched. "You took it and used it for some other evil purpose and meanwhile I got my hand chopped off because I had a damn aromatherapy candle instead of the real thing! My plan is ruined because you can't keep your business to yourself! Before you die I want you to know that I'm going to rip your body to pieces and feed it to the Count's henchmen! Then, when they're done, I'll use your bones to--" "I have a Digital Satellite System!" Greco squealed in a final attempt at salvation. "I get 13 NFL games on Sundays!" Rei sighed, putting his weapon back in his belt. "What the hell," he thought. "The vampire hunter can wait." With his good hand, he firmly grasped the back of Greco's collar and put his arm around his shoulder as though they were the best of buddies. "So," he said, walking Greco back toward the village, "how big is that hot tub?" The End (A LONE FOOTNOTE: *The 80's will never die, man.) That was harmless, right? Of course it was.