*Beep* D isn't here now. This is his answering machine.  Why am I
talking in third person?  I'm on vacation now.  If you have a bounty,
leave a message.  If you're a bounty hunter, I don't want to team
up.  If you're a vampire, I'll hunt you down when I get back and kill
you for trying to ruin my vacation.  If you are a Mary Sue, hang up
NOW!  I mean it.  Go away!  Why am I talking so much?  Just leave a
message. *Beep*

*Beep* This is Leila.  You take vacations?  Wow, I'd never have
guessed.  You sure about that 'Not teaming up' thing?  I got a great
gig and I need another gunman.  Swordsman.  Whatever.  A few too many
vamps at one time.  Oh, well, I'll go find someone else.  *Beep*

*Beep* This is Benge.  I found a Goo Goo Dolls CD in my pocket.  Is
it yours? *Beep*

*Beep* I AM NOT a Mary Sue!  I have flaws.  Really.  I... uh,  I'll get
back to you on that, but I am not a Mary Sue! *Beep*

*Beep* What do you mean you're on vacation?  YOU CAN'T BE ON

*Beep* This is Marsha Lee.  I heard you have something to do with why
my Castle is a mess, and my ex-husband and daughter are missing.
Call me. *Beep*

*Beep* This is your father, D.  Do you know how much trouble you are
in?  Where did I go wrong?  I don't even get one simple letter from
you in five hundred years!  Your aunt is devastated, your uncle's
terrified, and your grandparents think you're in a cult!  You're not
in cult, are you?  If you need money--*Beep*

*Beep* Leila again.  Uh, I'm kinda neck deep in vampires right now.
If you could show up soon, preferably before the shit hits the fan,
I'd appreciate it. *Beep*

*Beep* Bounty?  Vampire?  I must have the wrong number.  I'm looking
for a petshop.  Sorry. *Beep*

*Beep* This is your father again.  Please tell me this is just a
phase.  Hold on, I hear gunfire.  I'll call back.  *Beep*

*Beep* This is Anne Rice.  Normally people just send me flames or
post them on the web.  You didn't have to kill ALL my vampires.  They
weren't THAT annoying! *Beep*

*Beep* D?  Who's D?  I'm looking for Anita.  Is Anita there?  If not,
please contact me if you know her phone number *Beep*

*Beep* This is Leila.  I don't need help with the vampires anymore.
Turns out they're related to you.  Hope you weren't too attached to
Fred.  Sorry.  Can you come over here?  Your aunt keeps pinching me,
your dad keeps blabbering about cults and rock music, and I really
need you to tell everybody I am not your girlfriend.  Why the hell
are there pink bunnies on the wallpaper of your room?  Oh, and by the
way, all your baby pictures are ugly.  *Beep*

*Beep* I have a flaw!  I found one!  I'm a perfectionist and I had a
horrible life!  See, I'm not a Mary Sue!  I'm not perfect!  Now get
over here and instantly fall in love with me. *Beep*

*Beep* This is Doris!  I fall in love with you and you don't even
have the heart to say goodbye?  We could have talked things out!  You
bastard!  I'll see you on Springer! *Beep*

*Beep* Hi.  I'm not a Mary Sue, I'm just from another anime
entirely.  That's okay, right? *Beep*

*Beep* Fluffy's stuck in a tree again.  None of us are as tall as
you.  If you get back and she's still up there, can you get her down?
Thanks.  Oh, and can you return that lawnmower you borrowed from me
last spring? *Beep*

*Beep* This is Polk.  Uh, it turns out the manufacturers are
recalling a part I used on your horse.  Let's just say you don't want
to get it wet.  And flames.  Definitely keep it away from flames.

*Beep* Benge again.  Did you own this fluffy pink keychain?  I asked
everyone else, and they have no clue where it came from. *Beep*

*Beep* D, your girlfriend—what?  Okay, Miss Leila found some
magazines under your bed.  I think we need to have a little talk.

*Beep* This is the PETA.  We aren't too happy about how you've been
treating that horse of yours. *Beep*

*Beep* Do lawyers count as vampires?  What about ex-wives?  My number
is 397-3470.  I won't be able to pay you if they take all my money.

*Beep* Benge again.  The last thing no one claims is theirs, is this
lacey underwear.  Man, you're freaking me out. *Beep*

*Beep* D, this is your lawyer.  I'm still having trouble trying to
get a restraining order on those fic writers.  Let's just say it's
good thing you're on vacation.  You might want to lay low for a
while.  Try practicing killing without so much damage to public
property. *Beep*

*Beep* This is your hand, D. Look, I know I'm a parasite, but could
you please get around to reattaching me?  I've grown kind of attached
to you over the years.  Thanks, bye. *Beep*