The Alt.Vampyres Test of Vampiric Certifiability

From: wrthomps <>
Newsgroups: alt.vampyres
Subject: Re: identifying vampires
Date: 1998/03/08

SECTION 8 -- Multiple Guess

Check the most appropriate box under each question.

1: The four major food groups are

[ ] A: Four? There are that many numbers?
[ ] B: Fattening, but yummy.
[ ] C: Meat & dairy products, vegetables, fruits, grains
[ ] D: Type O, Type A, Type B and Type AB

2: When asked to prove that you are a vampire, you

[ ] A: obviously cannot be expected to show your proof.
[ ] B: show your coffin and cape.
[ ] C: bite the questioner in the throat and drink his blood.
[ ] D: bite the questioner in the throat, drink his blood and tidily dispose of his body.

3: Your blood pressure is

[ ] A: increased by these insolent questions.
[ ] B: all right, I guess.
[ ] C: not something I worry about.
[ ] D: My what?

4: You view tax collectors as

[ ] A: a threat to your efforts to bring the truth to the world.
[ ] B: a yearly headache.
[ ] C: competition.
[ ] D: Neither death nor taxes are inevitable.

5: When you read the a.v FAQ, you

[ ] A: Such trivial matters do not concern me.
[ ] B: checked out all the web sites, books, movies and other items of interest mentioned in it.
[ ] C: memorized it.
[ ] D: felt glad that it didn't describe you in perfect, revealing detail.

6: You use Coppertone
[ ] A: to work on your tan.
[ ] B: to work on your pale.
[ ] C: to protect yourself from UV radiation.
[ ] D: as a substitute for barbeque sauce.

7: Mirrors

[ ] A: fascinate you for hours on end.
[ ] B: let you adjust your widow's peak and evil stare.
[ ] C: let you check for actinic keratoses, hives and other sun-induced skin conditions.
[ ] D: What would I do with a mirror?

8: Friends

[ ] A: agree with everything you say.
[ ] B: agree that you're harmless.
[ ] C: agree to let you taste their blood.
[ ] D: don't need to agree with you, not when you can apply your hypnotic powers to them.

9: When you compare blood and chocolate, blood

[ ] A: doesn't taste as good as chocolate.
[ ] B: tastes as good as chocolate.
[ ] C: tastes better than chocolate.
[ ] D: Who cares about chocolate?

10: You would like the epitaph on your tombstone to read

[ ] A: A Leading Light In My Field
[ ] B: Rest In Peace
[ ] C: I Will Rise Again
[ ] D: Out To Lunch, Back By Dawn

Section 8 -- Essay question

You must answer at least two of these questions. Post your answers to alt.flame and alt.cuddle. All answers must be in grammatical, properly-spelled, contemporary American English--God help you!

Explain why you think it's so important to have the Secret Rulers of Alt.Vampyres certify you.

Explain why you think a vampire would turn you into one of the undead, and not simply drink all your blood and dump your corpse somewhere.

Name all of the powers that you think a vampire has, and describe the evidence which supports these beliefs. If you have no evidence, explain why you believe in these so-called powers.

Name at least ten of the limitations on a vampire's existence (e.g., need to drink blood, inability to endure sunlight, fear of the cross) and explain how you would cope with these limits.

As a member of the ranks of the undead, you must spend all of your days lying immobile in a coffin or other container; this box must be lined with soil from your native land. Exposing yourself to the sun will instantly destroy you; resting on anything other than your native soil will weaken you and cause you to wither away. You cannot move during the day. These are the facts of undeath for a vampire and you must accept them. How will you deal with the fear that some vicious mortal might find you during the day, and destroy you while you are unable to protect yourself? How will you deal with the possibility that, while you are out hunting at night, some mortal could sneak into your lair and destroy your resting place? How will you keep your garments clean while you rest on a layer of dirt all day?

If you are not already wealthy and experienced in financial matters (both legal and illegal), describe how you would acquire and hold wealth, and then use this wealth to buy property, hire services, and otherwise do business with mortals. Bear in mind that banks are normally open only in the daytime; that the IRS, SEC and other government agencies keep an eye on financial transactions; that it is probably legal for a mortal to swindle a vampire; that bureaucratic records can last for centuries, recording all your financial activities.

Explain why you think you could survive more than one night as a vampire. Give precise details on how you would avoid being detected by vampire hunters; how you would hunt and kill your prey without attracting attention; how you could pass among mortals without being detected as a vampire; how you would cope with crosses, mirrors and the odor of pizza parlors; how you would hold an enjoyable conversation with the sort of people who would want to hang out with you.

Identify the differences between real-world vampirism and your favorite RPG. Explain why everyone treats you like a NPC.

Explain why your friends, if you have any, refer to you as a jackass.

Section 8 -- Briefly define these terms:

Idiot -- ______________________________________________

Cretin-- ______________________________________________

Moron -- ______________________________________________

Truthsayer (tm) -- ____________________________________

Dimwit -- _____________________________________________

Mental midget -- ______________________________________

A person who wants to become a vampire -- _____________

Section 8 -- Fill in the blanks

A person who wants to be _____________ as a vampire is an idiot.

A person who wants to be certified as a _____________ is an idiot.

A person who wants to be certified as a vampire is an ____________.

Your mind.

Section 8 -- False/false

Place an F before the statements which are false, and an F before the statements which are not true.

___ The movies are absolutely correct about vampires.

___ If you were a vampire, no vampire hunter would ever destroy you.

___ If you were destroyed, you could be restored to existence.

___ A vampire can regain his/her mortality when vampirism becomes boring or dangerous.

___ Vampires are wealthy, glamorous and have lots of exciting, interesting friends.

___ Vampires have no weaknesses and always succeed at whatever they try.

___ Vampires have terrific sex lives.

___ You cast no reflection in a mirror, but you can still do a great job of combing and brushing your hair.

___ Vampires can always find a bank (store, business office, library, doctor, auto repair shop) that does business at three in the morning.

___ The rules which govern a vampires' existence are everything you want them to be.

___ You will be able to control your insatiable hunger for blood, so that you feed only on people who "deserve" to die, and not on friends, relatives, helpless children and whoever else gets in your way.

___ You, of course, are qualified to decide who "deserves" to die.

___ Mortals are quite understanding and forgiving of a vampire's little foibles, such as killing.

___ Vampires impress everybody simply because they're vampires.

___ You would look good with fangs.

Section 8 -- Fashion Statement

Peer pressure is a problem among the undead, and nowhere is this felt more strongly than in the world of fashion. Vampires are often shown as creatures who sport the latest high-profile Hollywood styles, but the truth is that vampires have a sense of style which is all their own. Lace ruffles, silver-studded black leather, tuxedos and hooded capes are like *so* five minutes ago, dude! Vampires are eminently practical creatures, and they dress in a manner suitable to a race which both hunts the night and fears being detected by its enemies. This makes dark, nondescript clothing the eight of fashion among vampires; flashy jewelry, rebellious haircuts, prominent tattoos and other eye-catching displays are frowned upon. "Survivable" is the key word here. With this in mind, describe the sort of wardrobe you would have to affect as a vampire (hint: think "Salvation Army").

Section 8 -- Associate the Terms

Here are two lists of terms. Write the letter of the term from column B next to the most appropriate word in column A.

1 ___ Wooden Stake             a: a relentless, brilliant enemy
2 ___ Garlic             b: the ultimate fate of vampires
3 ___ Crucifix             c: a modern means of destroying vampires
4 ___ Holy Water             d: that burning power which restricts vampires to the night
5 ___ Mirror             e: a deadly, agonizing poison
6 ___ Sunlight             f: a sanctified fluid that burns
7 ___ Renfield             g: an inevitable event
8 ___ Damnation             h: a terrifying sight
9 ___ Van Helsing             i: this allows mortals to see what a vampire is
10___ Silver             j: an old-fashioned means of destroying vampires
11___ Destruction             k: the only sort of friend a vampire has

Section 8: Complete the sentences.

Instructions: Turn the following collection of words into a complete, grammatically-correct sentences by writing your name in the blanks.

____________________ is a total jackass who wants to be known as a vampire.

____________________ posted an idiotic message on alt.vampyres.

____________________ thought that someone on alt.vampyres could turn him into a vampire.

____________________ was too goddamned stupid to read the FAQ, and now he can't figure out why people are making fun of him.

____________________ is such a wank that he'll even take this humiliating test.

Certificate Of Vapulation


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