From: Stef Telford <email@example.com>
Subject: Alt.vampyres IAQ
Date: Tue, 07 Jul 1998 21:43:17 +0000
Why this page is black.
The HTML version of this list is now considered the master version; the text
version may be updated occasionally, but is now obsolete. Even though this is
the first electronic draft of this document, and has been inscribed from the
parchments (See Q2.1).
[Last modified July 4, 1998 by stefs.] [Revision: yes please...]
[Copyleft 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998 Stef Telford. All rights
reserved, all wrongs reversed. Unauthorized duplication and distribution prohibited.
Unless your in the 53rd State of Amerika, confusion, in which case its legal.]
Any complaints Email us for information, and just for the record, your email
will be piped straight into our email folder for immediate reply (/dev/null).
Certain topics never (well, hardly ever) come up on this newsgroup. They are
stupid questions, to which the answers are immediately obvious, but they would
be more fun to talk about than these arcane details of loop control.
This article, which is posted once every decade, attempts to answer these questions
definitively, succinctly, and in such a way as to discourage further discussion
You Have been Warned.
Table of Contents:
I. Rules of the Newsgroup
B. Rules of the Undead
3. People to Look for
4. People to Not Look for
Herewith, lies within, some infrequently-asked questions and their answers:
Section I: Rules of the Newsgroup
I.1: Please Make me a Vampyre !! (Or PLEASE MAKE ME AN UNDEAD
das Vampyre's (un)live for a very long time indeed. Computers are very new to
them, and asking this gets them mad. Usually as a result of them trying to suck
the computer screen. We never said they were _bright_ just that they had lived
a long time. (See: Zha-Zha-Ghabor)
I.2: Spelling Cops
Spelling cops seem to run all over news these days, and are such a nuisance.
They regard kibo (see People to Not Look for) as a god, and enforce his laws,
mainly this seems to boil down to spelling. Spelling is anathema here (yez,
that _is_ spelled right). Pointing out spelling to a 400 year old vampyre is
also not a very wise move. QED.
1.3: 'Whoever' Flamed me !!
Only sometimes. Its probably either do to you having A) no personality of your
own and have to try and side with someone else, B) try and emulate a person
or C) asked an amazingly _STUPID_ question. Either of these two points is bad.
1.4: Hah! You said two and there were three points
See Answer I.2 (Aka: Bite us)
1.5: Why do you keep saying 'we'
It refers to the multi-faceted multi-dimensional psyche that is 'we' (see Section
3 _or_ Section 4 as appropiate)
1.6: I finally figured out how to post...can i just post anything
No. Most people just post up straight away...without thinking...this is usually
a bad thing (Tm). You should discuss with your friends about what to post, we
are all ancient demi-gods and hate anyone less than 200 years old. Of _course_
we will ask you to prove your age....with some salient questions in ancient
languages (See Section V or Section B)
Section B: Rukes of the Undead
2.1: What is the difference between Psychic Vampires and Blood
Psychic vampires drain energy from living beings, Blood Vampyres drink from
the living (and sometimes the other dead beings. Also psychic vampires dont
2.1: Whats this about Parchments ?
Parchments are very very old books. Usually written single pages at a time.
What else do you want to know ?
2.2: What kills Vampyres ?
Do you honestly think we would tell you that ? Well, just for the record,
none of these work : running water, garlic, stakes, crosses or other holy artifacts.
These just tend to make us laugh. Sunlight works (sometimes, depends on the
strength of the light). Things that _do_ work include : bad haircuts, sixties
and seventies 'love and peace' people, idiots (sadly these are on the increase)
2.3: So religion doesnt work ?
2.4: Why do you hate <insert religions name> then ?
Because without exception (except buddhism) they are all responsible for more
trouble than they are worth. This is even _more_ so the case in our kind.
2.5: How can I read/write structs from/to data files?
2.6: Do you wish to discuss Vampyre Lore/Books/Movies ?
putchar. Be careful; if your machine uses signed chars
by default, all of the sign bits in your structure elements will be reversed.
In much the same vein (sic) as we wish to discuss religion.
Section 3: People to Look for
Poet, Angel and Carefree soul. Often has a kind word to say and takes time out
of her way to say it.
Firey. Caustic. Charming. Confusing. Definetely. Angelic.
Cold. Distant. Intelligent. Observant. Peach. (shh...keep it quiet ;P
Still lurking on the newsgroup...somwhere...along with marjean. who stole chris
(a malkavian) and who hasnt returned him yet.
Been on the newsgroup about three years now. Tends to be the most posting person,
probably plum plumaged pearl. (Precisely ;)
Section 4: People Not to Look for
4.1: Us. Steffers. Zodiak.
As the ancient expression goes, dont go looking for trouble, it will find you.
This applies here. Many 'we' here.
Normally seen hiding out under rocks or bridges. Grinds up people to make his
bread (yezzz we _know_ thats a troll)
4.3: duVivier / Severin
Crusty old tart. Sleazy, in a kind of sexy way. Nuff said.
long gone very fuckable dead fellow. still haunts from time to time.
4.5: Peg leg Pete
Pirate with a nasty disposition and also a variety of horrible things to do
with hamsters to people. gerbilator indeed.
4.8: BUt....isnt there ?
Yezzz ...there is probably thousands more. These are just a few of the more
disreputable creatures on the channel. and if you notice something about them.....and
the people to look out for....you should get a good indication of the way the
forum works ;)
Section V: Style
A Lot of posters like to be gothic in nature, they take time out to structure
their posts to emphasize the darker side of their posts. They often like to
pontificate about the meaning of death. Asking if they can truly survive it
(with a little help from their friends ;)
These posters like to break into some sort of ad hoc rythm (often beatnik poetry
takes place) very nice to watch/read. Also very confusing. Some of the nicest
posters use this technique, but if you arent a master of it, then it looks crap.
Very little to be said. These posters _always_ bring science in to back up a
leaky boat...but it still leaks however.
V.4: New age
This people like to talk about vampyres being a result of opening chakras
wrongly, or from bad karma, or from some other hippy shit. Stear clear. Tend
to be get rich quick schemers as well.
This is the style 'we' prefer. Everything is allowed. nothing is disallowed.
Jack Kerouac is the most notable punk writer of this century (others have existed
before this time, believe it or not).
Section 6: Miscellaneous
6.1: My head hurts !
6.2: What is the purpose of this faq ?
If it needs explaining, then you will never understand. Its a malkavian text
6.3: Whats all this about clans ? (Malkavians etc)