Who could call out my name without regretting?
Who could see beyond this, my darkness?
And for once save their own prayers
Who could mirror down just a little of their sun?
from "Tonight's Music" by Katatonia
Lyrics by Jonas Renkse & Anders Nystrom
Loneliness and Despair
The darkness it embraces like a lover and comforts like a mother; neither of which have I had for quite some time. Sometimes I dream of the time before before the darkness became my world. I dream of the warm glowing sun, only to awaken to the cold silvery moon. Yet with each passing year, each passing decade, the memory dims a little more. I fear the day that it is gone completely and only the true night remains; then then will I know that there is no hope, no escape from this cold loneliness that haunts me. But such is the fate of my kind: to dwell in darkness; never to feel a true loving embrace; and to find warmth only in the pulsing veins of another. Such is the fate of a vampire.
I won't deny that I have taken the lives of countless humans in order to survive, but I will confess that I felt a small measure of remorse for each one for I was once a mere mortal myself. But to see me now, you would never guess it; for my appearance has changed much since I last walked under the sun. I have also gained incredible strength and speed; the power to control other beings with my mind and will; and many other talents that have set me so far apart from the lesser mortal that I was. But have I been cursed or blessed? I have never been able to answer that question honestly. At times I feel blessed: when I am traveling through the rushing night on dark wings, or during the almost erotic intoxication of feeding. Yet at other times, I feel cursed beyond all measure: when I am confined to my dark casket during the day; when I am being hunted; when I am in the frenzied grip of hunger; but mostly, when I am alone. It is the loneliness that claws at my immortal soul that makes me wish that I was not what I am. For what creature could bear the burden of being so utterly alone for centuries on end?
We vampires are usually solitary creatures we like to live apart from one another; but that is not to say that we are each other's enemies far from it. With our numbers dwindling, we cannot afford to war amongst ourselves. But we do not usually seek comfort in one another at least not the kind of comfort that a man would seek in a woman, the kind of comfort that eases the pain of a lonely heart. Ah, so now you see what it is that I miss about my mortal life. You may laugh, but even immortals long for the sweet rapture of the most intimate of embraces.
Yes, I will admit to being a so-called romantic; for I am still young enough by the standards of my kind to be allowed such foolishness, and that is what it is foolishness. For what woman would willing take one such as I? What woman would risk falling victim to my baser instincts? Even I don't truly believe that such a thing could happen, but sometimes it is nice to dream. But the loneliness
There are times when I brood over the empty thing that is my heart and I wonder what my life would have been like had I not been changed. Would I have found a woman to love me? Would I have been happy? Would I have had a family? But I try not to dwell too long on such things, for I know they would truly drive me mad. I am what I am; and I cannot change that anymore than the proverbial leopard can change its spots. I can only try to carry on and survive as best I can. But what I wouldn't give for just a small piece of that dream
Do not mistake my words, for I have had my share of mortal women for it is one of the pleasures of the hunt. It is the one gift that I have to offer my victims while I hold them in my thrall and drain away their life's blood. I can give them one last memory of an erotic pleasure beyond anything they have ever imagined dying while in the throes of ecstasy. But for all that I feed off of emotions, as well as blood; still, there is a hollow place inside of me that cries out to be filled. Yet as pleasant as the physical joining can be, I find myself longing for something more, something deeper, something
Sometimes it is almost as if I can hear my cold, dead heart as it cries out into the darkness as it cries out for the warm, loving caress of another. But its call goes unanswered, and I the emptiness like a long, slow ache in my chest; but of course, it is nothing but nonsense. For it is only my imagination and desire that make it seem so real but it hurts nonetheless.
I'm sure you know by now what it is that I am speaking of, even though I have managed to steer clear of the word thus far love. L-o-v-e
Why? Why do I torment myself with these thoughts? Damn it all I am immortal! I am Vampire the most powerful of all beings on the earth. I am so far beyond humans, and yet I long for and covet something as useless as love. Useless
Oh, by the darkness I must stop this! I must not let this become an obsession. Love is something for mortals a sweet dream to give comfort in their short, tormented lives. But what about the long lonely life of a vampire; do we not deserve to know such comfort too? Do we not need it just as much? If only I could know for sure, if only if I could touch it just once. Would I know true happiness then?
Love! Ha! I hate it! I hate it