WARNING: This is a parody of "Red Stakes" and "Red Stakes 2." It was written under the influence of the ficbitches' Slap to the Head site. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

WARNING WARNING WARNING: Contains male-on-male sexual content, scat play, felching, bad words, and a few other things you probably don't want your mother to know you're reading about.

Just when you thought it couldn't get shittier, Perky Possum proudly presents:

Brown Stakes

"What. Is. That. SMELL?"

Meier's brows creased as he rose from his coffin. He followed his nose.

"I thought you two dhampirs were leaving this afternoon. Haven't you been housebroken?"

"It's - called - 'scat - play,'" D informed him between thrusts.

Meier stared at his formerly clean silk sheets in dismay. He was going to have to burn the whole bed now.

"Come on in, Meier, the shit's fine," Alucard invited. D pulled his erect manhood from the pale dhampir's buttocks, and a turd slipped out in its wake.

"Better than pancakes," D added suggestively. He rolled the latest product of Alucard's intestines between his fingers.

"But you can make it just as flat," Alucard pointed out, demonstrating by joining his hands to D's forcefully.

"I was saving that one!"

"Sorry sorry sorry master!" Alucard cringed against the filthy sheets.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Meier murmured faintly, and he began to gag.

"In the bed!" Alucard shouted. "IN THE BED! We've never done it with vampire vomit!"

Quite involuntarily, Meier did stagger over to the bed and begin vomiting onto it.

"Mmmm," sighed Alucard as he positioned himself under the rhythmic stream. "Pancakes....."

D raised a dark, skeptical eyebrow. "If he eats pancakes, he can't be a real vampire."

Meier had completely emptied his stomach and spat out a few lingering kernels of corn. "Can too," he snarled.

"I know how we can prove it," Alucard bubbled through the shit-and-vomit mixture. "Let's give him an enema. If his is black, we know it's from blood."

"Good idea," said D. "Go prepare an enema, slave."


"I'll hold Meier," D said, grabbing Meier by the ponytail and dragging him into the shit- and vomit-covered bed.

"Take your time," D added, as he began ripping Meier's clothes off with one hand while still holding the ponytail with the other. Alucard pouted at being left out of the fun - he felt that he owed Meier some bondage - but he shuffled out of the room in search of enema fixin's.

When Alucard returned, Meier was just as naked and just as shit- and vomit-smeared as D. He looked a lot less happy about it, however. D was holding him in a bizarre variation on a scissors that left his pale buttocks exposed.

Alucard was holding a small animal by its vestigial tail. "I couldn't find an enema, master," said Alucard, "but here's a hamster."

"YOU BASTARD!" Hamtaro shouted at the top of his diminutive lungs. "YOU MADE ME DROP MY SUNFLOWER SEED!!"

"It'll do," said D.


"Oh, be quiet," Alucard muttered, stuffing him into Meier's orifice.

"Tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki," grumbled Hamtaro disconsolately as he retreated into Meier's tunnel of love.

Meier responded with an interesting series of winces and groans.

"I think that little bastard is making a nest in there," he finally gasped.

Alucard's pale eyebrows rose. "Really?" he said. "I've never seen a hamster's nest." As D obligingly held Meier's cheeks apart, Alucard gave Meier's ring a series of butterfly kisses.

"Can't see a damn thing," he muttered. (Unlike D and Meier, Alucard couldn't see in the dark.)

"HEY!" shrieked Hamtaro, now genuinely panicked. "DON'T LIGHT THAT MAT -"


* * * * * * * * * *

The two hunters regarded the smoking ruins of Meier's castle.

"Well, Alucard," said D, "you've succeeded in our first cooperative vampire hunt. Though not exactly the way I had in mind."

The butt-fucked shitty end

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